Pillow-Talk

 

Why can’t I ever see the end of it? Is it I am too blindfolded or it’s just we turn to naive little girls and boys. They always said I will get an instinct or somehow that magical luster dust sign. I never got a hint. I always imagine life will be a ‘Happy Ending Tale’. Yet, life manages to squeeze away all the mills and boons tales and throw me back on the cold harsh ground of reality.
Then, there are these new beginnings of your life. You wish you just know what will you become? You wish to get that magical instinct about it too. You wish to be as confident as you see a person on that Telly. You somehow or the other want to become that person and not the miserable one writing this.
There are times when mountains and hills shine brighter than me. The sunlight would hit those mountain peaks and they would come up alive. They smile with that sunlight aura. I have envied them for being so cheerful and alive. Perhaps, I just wish I was them. It’s just ironic somehow or the other I just wish, I was someone else and not me.
The bridges and gaps are extremely getting long and too deep to fill. Life just squeezing all the juices out of you leaving you with just pale and empty being.
And obviously, its no more about I always knew what i wanted to become or I am choose by destiny…. And such thing.  Its more about is there a chance, even just a minute one “Will I become something?”

-1:30a. m

Daily chores

Sun Shines
Morning Breaks
bare-foot on this silver-line

Blue Hills
On Spotlight
waking up starry-eye

Horn Blows
Traffic Jams
yet lovestruck with these long over-due

Fast Lane
Chasing Rides
even though sun-burns your every step

Wild Flower
Purple One
reminds  me of when we were little-ones

Crossing Bridges
Every day
in search of love under street-lamps

Red Lights
Too Bright
passing their head-lights

Stars Rise
Day Ends
free-falling in this slump of life.

The distance

“You cannot hold the memories on palm of your hand; it’s always under the blink of your eyes. And the memories that they had buried deep within, just their one glimpse of each other made those memories jump back and come alive. They both seem to be staring at each other. Yet they both looked unaware and unsure about it. I faintly could picture them as kid making paper planes and flying from Deep’s veranda. Lina was just on the same old window trying to peep her head out.”

The buzzing sound of alarm opened my eyes but I closed it as soon as they were open. I snoozed the beast for another half an hour and kept talking to myself inside my head. I slapped my cheeks few times and said to myself, “Wake-up Deep.” I cannot recall when did I slept? I couldn’t just stop murmuring inside my mind that I finally saw her. Did she saw me as well? The heat of excitement and anxiousness is rushing through me under this thick blanket in this drop dead cold weather.

Again, the beast ranged.I just happen to check my phone and there goes twenty missed calls. The horror of missed calls made me wash my face, chew some mint, put on my trouser, T-shirt and jacket. I just ran out trying to tie my shoelace.

I know I have a destination to reach though heart wants to drift away aimlessly. As soon as I walk out, the streets are still filled with enough thin layer of mist. The street light and its yellowish light is still on. It almost feel like you are inside the painting that is displayed in one of these closed shops. The people walking in the street aren’t clear enough which means I don’t have to greet anyone. I pass through these huge gigantic houses on both side and small narrow lane in the middle which we call “galli” because it’s always the shortcut. The chill air blowing in my face made me miss the warmth of summer. It is Thursday and the temple is already filled with queue and devotees. I am really not the person who bows and make this strange hand gesture every time I see a temple. Yet, I love the atmosphere of temple in the morning. The melody coming out from temple, the sound of bells, the prayers and most of all the lights from oil lamp it not only brightens up the place but it also gives warm embrace of faith to me. Finally, I arrive at the Bridge. This very bridge connected me back to yesterday night. The further I run forward in this bridge it keeps pushing me back to yesterday’s frozen time. Despite of my obstinate determination to forget it, I recall it.

It was sharp 8p.m, 4th of December. Oddly, I don’t know what made me remember the time and date but I wanted to carve it somewhere. Lina was across the street in her home on the same old window peeping out. It would be almost a decade since I last saw her.

Winter nights were usually dark and yet everything was glowing and brightening up tonight. The half-moon had this dreamy look and stars were hiding behind the fluorescent light of the moon. Yellow light from the bulb above the window made it clear, it was really her. For a moment, I tried to confront myself whether it was real or surreal? Was it just a hallucination that foggy moon was creating? But her long dark blackish-brownish hair, her deep dark eyes, pink shades of lips, her round shaped red cheeks and her struggle to peek out from that small Newari style window reminded me it was all reality. Even though she was all grown-up,her face features were still the same. The cold  winter night almost froze me and I got glued in the concrete floor of my veranda. However, I protested inside my mind to every god in Kathmandu this moment should have been frozen.

“He hurriedly reached to Baneshwor Chowk and slightly bends down, his hands were clutching his knees tightly and he was breathing heavily. A short haired girl, dimpled face with grey track suit and long sleeve tee stood in front of him. The steam from her mouth and petite body was due to cold or because she was furious, it was hard to distinguish. She folded both of her hands and yelled at him in the middle of Chowk for being late.
He just looked lost in different world or probably stuck in yesterday. But her scream smashed his dream bubble and brought him back to cold harsh ground of reality. There was no sound in the atmosphere but something broke inside him. With the same stoned face, he took off his jacket and puts it in the girl’s shoulder. He apologizes to her quietly and comforts her by clutching his arms tightly over her shoulder. He genuinely appeared guilt-ridden but whether it was for making her wait in freezing cold or because of discovering his feelings towards Lina or both, it was hard to confirm. The girl was talking but Deep was still gazing in same dreamy state of yesterday night. After few second, they just vanished in the thin mist of fog.”

That night, Lina and her cousin sister Mallika  were having conversation in their terrace. Lina’s cousin Mallika looked annoyed that her sister brought her to terrace in freezing cold. Mallika snapped at Lina, “Couldn’t you be happy just by peeking your big head from our small window? Why do I have to come up here in this freezing cold?”
Lina replied back with politeness yet her voice sounded bit commanding. “Can’t you see how lovely the moon looks, today?”
Mallika questioned her with satirical remark. “Since when did moon started to look lovely for you?”
Lina was surprised with such kind of satirical statement made by her younger sister. But then Lina was Lina after all she knew exactly how to question a satire with a satire. “It always did. You would have noticed it, if you would get a little time off staring at this mobile screen.”
At last, Mallika bluntly spoke with her cunning tone. “Why don’t you simply say you want to check out that guy of that Veranda House? Anyway, I saw him today with a girl while I was going to college. They both were very close. I hope your day- dream will stop by now.”
Lina kept a straight face and acted as if she really didn’t bothered. Though somewhere in her mind she feared it. The thing she feared most was no-more her assumption, it was reality. “So? What it has to do with me?”
Mallika knew her sister was heartbroken. But she needed to inform her before she webbed any more of her day-dream. “I am sorry. But you guys aren’t 5 anymore. You barely even come here since you moved to your new house. Plus, you two haven’t seen each other like forever.”
Lina’s body posture didn’t moved by that fact. She acted as if she was alright. However, her eyes moved and were fixed in the same veranda. Her eyes tried to dig for the answer. Unfortunately, answers were not floating in the air. She responded with her fierce voice but her heart might had crumbled, “Yah! We aren’t five anymore. He looked old, tall and muscular. Though he still got that child-like smile, yet his mustache clearly reminded me neither he was a boy nor he was child. She giggled but her voice was getting heavy, “Your sister is little bit crazy, isn’t she?”
Mallika felt guilty but she was more relieved. She understood the world of reality than the fantasy. She was shivering due to cold and with trembling voice of joy she said, “OK, finally we don’t need to freeze. Let’s get down.”
Lina turned back one last time to stare at the vacant space of veranda. She was standing here, he was standing there and all they feared about was that distance.

Falling Star

I saw a falling star,
Striving and struggling hard, to come to us
Nevertheless, it can never reach the ground
It’s compelled to ashes in between the sky and earth.
I am just like those few rocks,
An outsider, trying to fit-in and get along
However, I am just an unknown body
Dwelling in between the world of surreal and real.
Unfortunately, I am alive being the lucky one
Or I survive being the only outcast
Compulsion to ashes was my destination
But as always I’m stuck being just an exception!

 

 

 

The Sunset

Both of my windows were closed and the curtains very neatly pulled down blocking all the bright things that might have flashed in. Lately all those bright and cheerful things were strangely poking my eyes. The bed sheets weren’t arranged, blankets weren’t tucked on side and pillow cover was missing since the day he went missing from my life. I won’t deny the fact that lately love wasn’t in the air and we both were trying to find where did it disappear? Apparently, he lost his “great big opportunity” and then he had developed this touch of bitterness in him. You could only tell him what he wanted to hear. He was in no position to hear you and get meaning out of those conversations. Even though, I tried pursuing him and telling him it’s just a phrase. But he ridiculed it as if it’s just absurd. You hear all his unfathomable tantrums and somehow bear it. You want to hear him, you do hear him but hearing him alone doesn’t help or heal him completely.

It’s been a month since he left me with such a drop dead letter. All he wrote was he wanted to leave. The precise words were… “I sense that I am making you exhausted. I am sorry, I just need to leave. I just want you to remember whenever life will get still and hopeless, just look up to that sunset.” At first, I thought it was one more outburst but then I couldn’t reach him through phones, internet and knock on his empty apartment door. I tried desperately to find where the hell he disappeared but it was as if he left me with no clue. The days passed quickly thinking about all the moment we spend together. But the nights were the real horrifying time, killing all of my sleep. The barking of the dogs somehow brought horror of being alone and left out and abandoned. The ceilings were the only companion I had to confine in. I repeatedly asked several times in my head to myself and to the ceiling, “Why when there was no “we” in the future we met, talked and bonded? Was it just for the sake of memories?

sunset

That very summer twilight, I envied everything that looked sunny and cheerful. The sky was totally blue just a hint of cloud drifting like in paintings. Strangely, the scenery of that uncountable house was not blur. I felt like it looked so clean as if I could just count those uncountable houses. The whole environment was drowning in this yellowish aura of sunlight. I had lost interest in people and every activity that made me functional but I never stopped reading that letter over and over again. Even though it was a short and three-line letter, I was incapable of getting any sense out of it. Maybe because of that I read it over and over again. I kept the letter down and yet nothing from his letter rhymed in my head. The sun was soon going to disappear and the yellowish golden shimmer of lights in the blue sky were slowly fading away. But everything and everyone looked fine. The birds were flying and going back to their nest. The hustle and bustle of the city was still loud. The slow breeze of the evening was still whispering in my ear. Nobody was really gloomy about the fact that sun was setting down. The shimmering golden light was soon disappearing and then the stars were soon to cover up all the sky.

Finally the words made sense and it somehow rhymed with my emotions. “Whenever life gets still and hopeless, look up to sunset!” I understood his words. Sunset doesn’t mean the end, it was a strange hope that it will rise again. The beauty lies in a moment. Just a moment ago those golden lights, the scenery, the sky everything looked serene. But I only saw the gloomy fact of sun setting down. I forgot to enjoy the beauty of those tiny moments when everything just bathed in those sunlight. Life isn’t about the forever happy tale, it was about the moment that we lived to fullest and it passed.